goodbye boozey tuesday

The results are in! After years and years of alcohol and fast food abuse, smoking, sedentary pastimes like blogging, and a new job that requires me to just sit, I have achieved high cholesterol! Now I get to quit smoking, start eating healthier, and work out more often! Trust me that even though all of these sentences will end in exclamation points, this news makes me positively slump!

The human body is so boring! I don't know how anyone can be a medical doctor! Admittedly there are some rare conditions, diseases, allergies, and so on, but for the most part people respond pretty much exactly the same way to the same stimulus! If only our physiognomies were so variegated that we needed to be given a diagnostic exam in our youth, to determine which activities and foods will make us thrive, and which will slowly kill us! Imagine knowing that every day you had to chew a little bark and lie down for a whole hour every afternoon, or else you would slowly become shorter! Imagine if pomegranate seeds hardened your arteries! For one person, a healthy breakfast would be pump cheese and marijuana, for another, bagels fried in battery acid!

Imagine being allergic to God! Catholic schools and twelve-step group meetings giving someone actual hives!

But it doesn't work that way! Human beings are predictable organisms, and will pretty much respond in like kind to the same stimuli! And I am no different from anyone else! That, really, is the most depressing part of this!