filibuster

Salma and I were walking from the Clemenceau down to the beaches to have a look at the garishness there. Half-naked girls and men in suits, more of them (the suits, not the girls) less attractive than you'd think. We talked about so many things, such as what would a Woody Allen movie's cast look like if American culture were more thoroughly concerned with necrophilia instead of the "Barely Legal" nation it is now... We were briefly disgusted at the thought of topless corpses floating to the banks in some bizarre movie promotion. We agreed it would be in the best interests of everyone involved, however, all things considered. Spare Alexis Bledel the trouble of whining about having to take "prozac", whatever the hell that is. It woud really make so much more sense if it were just dead people - same beige apartments, same shots of the fronts of hotels, same restaurants, same dialogue, but rotting corpses propped up on chairs, and voiceovers.

We got around to John Bolton. I told Salma that just last year, around March, I'd been involved with the MIPTV2004 convention, France's Ministrie de Information Publique television marketplace. The idea was to try to convene a brainstorming session about marketing the U.N. People associate the United Nations with peace, health, security, better living. They want to know the stories involved, we thought. Let's get them on the small screen for everyone to see, was the rallying cry, our raison d'etre, if you'll permit me. Salma was intrigued. Whatever became of the conference? Well, Salma, I told her, let me just fish this little brochure out and I'll read from it to you. And I did, and I read:

Working in partnership with major broadcasters, the United Nations can help focus the world’s attention on stories about the issues that know no borders -- extreme poverty, displaced people, forgotten conflicts, humanitarian emergencies. This year the emphasis is on encouraging broadcasters to air more innovative programmes on HIV/AIDS and the other Millennium Development Goals.

The United Nations is fully committed to partnering with the world media industry in Sharing the World’s Stories. The United Nations audio-visual team is proactive and flexible, dedicated to working with other broadcasters, listening to and assisting them in communicating these important messages, providing free programming and in-kind services, promoting their work, and offering broadcasters the unique name recognition that only the United Nations can provide.

She swooned. "And this was right here in Cannes?" she asked breathlessly.

"Yes, darling. It's movie stars and endless designer drugs every May, but in the off-season we hold the spotlight on the world's miseries. It's very fulfilling."

"And what ever became of this brainstorming session?"

"Three simple words: more hospital dramas."

"House?"

"That one wasn't ours. You're thinking domestic. The United States is taking an increasingly dim view of the United Nations, as you know."

"Well, I never."

"Yeah, but we got back at them. The U.N. building is now staffed by sous-chefs who are philosophically opposed to the use of flour or eggs."

"Wonderful."

"Let's make love", I told her.

"Okay. I have to see this awful Egoyan thing, let's do it in the back row."

...still listening? Let me go on... um, let's see. Uh, I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback girl... wow, that's a catchy one, eh? What's your favourite colour? Mine's cerulean, or at least it was till last month when I had a corneal transplant...