marijuana

i feel like people are connecting with me on only a superficial level. they are bonding with each other like little bombs of affection and comprehension going off but i am just an empty house that people toss grenades in and i just sit there, like, absorbing it. sometimes i just sit there eating. other times when a new person joins the conversation i protectively bring my nose to my finger to scratch a fake itch or if i have a drink, and it's usually almost empty whenever this happens thus ensuring i'll have like some kind of crisis about whether my leaving wi-

people are whewing outside. there were some whewers in the condos behind the save-on, i yelled 'i love you' at them, which i think made a lot of people uncomfortable. you gotta say it, though, right? in that kind of situation it's important. it isn't just the sports team that we're excited about all right? it's everything like how you, the muscular guy on the top floor looking out over 109th like you were in a soap commercial, will someday die. so will i! i'm looking at the way my bullshit lower case i is sitting beside the exclamation mark and in the font of what i'm actually typing it looks like a digital version of yin and yang, two symbiotes, a pair of siblings sleeping head to feet, or the encasement of exclamations in spanish. i realize that won't be how it looks once it's published in arial. but i can see through that back to the here that is here, too. so much of life is that way, like a completely amazing thing that you can see for only a few seconds and even that's too long because you're already thinking about how you would describe it to someone else. and it's in the describing, too, however anyone is reacting to you and taking you in - it's what you're doing when nothing is happening. something happens and we're all on the same animal plane, lower level thinking, safety and fucking, and then you have to be able to put together what just happened and feel some way about it that is something you won't change you mind about the next day. and then you have to convey that to someone else. and they're waiting.

but let them wait. understand this, it is very important. it is a neglectful conversation that does not turn, for a time, in each direction. have a chance to be heard, far more important than whether anyone changes anyone else's mind or not or whatever you think conversation is supposed to be geared at. if it takes you a really long time to say what you have to say, say it. conversation is strategy. no. if conversation is a strategy, then there is room for everyone's rhythms. if someone doesn't know how to speak to someone who takes more time to say things, there are many people that they will simply never be able to talk to.

but it's also about matching up.

the last wave of outwardly expressions of excitiement is over now. there is the quiet of - jesus, is it only midnight? it seemed much later. the quiet of the city of mistakes. actually there's probably quite a few mistakes that haven't happened yet but will. like for instance me clicking this publish post button. eeeathy munny.